Expression

Over the years, I became so accustomed to being by myself and independent in order to get myself out of my worst bouts of depression. At one point in my life, I might have attributed it to the notion that I was strong enough, that I was the only one capable of getting myself out of the pit precisely because I had been the one to get myself into it. I would have (maybe?) prided myself in the fact that eventually and over time I overcame it and got back to a functioning state, all on my own without anybody's help. (Except my therapist and a couple others.)

At that time, and to this day to some extent, I would have told myself that there was no point in reaching out to anybody anyway, because the very few people I had in my life that I trusted at the time weren't able to give me what I needed. Or so I told myself. Ask, but you won't receive. So why ask in the first place? But the truth was that I never explicitly stated what I needed or even wanted, so it was a self-fulfilling prophecy, really.

Now I am less afraid of asking -- whether it's because I set my expectations low to begin with (like usual) or because I am now more practised in it, I'm not quite sure. Probably both. 

Yet now what I am actually afraid of instead is seeing the responses.

Or was I always afraid of that to begin with, but just never had much reason to feel it so acutely because of how rare it was? Whatever the reason, now I find that the anxiety doesn't come so much when I reach out and open up, as when I see the responses. They have yet to be bad. None have been as devastating as I had catastrophised in my mind (maybe a couple were disappointing, but those were expected). Still I find myself too overwhelmed, too afraid to even look at the responses, even though when I do eventually, they are all extremely supportive -- to the point where I question whether I deserve them (but that is another matter).

Why am I so afraid of seeing those messages, of receiving that love and support? Is it because I feel pressured to respond in kind and don't feel up to that task? Is it that I truly don't feel like I deserve it? Or is it that I am honestly so unused to it that I just have no script, no practised or rehearsed reaction that I feel is satisfactory? Maybe it's all and the same. Because I'm so used to getting nothing back (that I thought I felt I needed or wanted), I have no idea what I'm supposed to do or say when I finally do. Is it enough? How do I appropriately express the extent of how I feel without it sounding fake or scripted or repetitive? How do I say -- without actually saying -- that I saw it, read it, and I truly and sincerely appreciate it, but just don't know how to express all that?

How do I prepare myself for something so unexpectedly good?